If you're single, know why.
Live where you'd like. Live how you'd like. Live with whom you'd like. Live when you'd like.
You can achieve anything, anything
at all. Just look at Ringo for
inspiration.
Reward good service with a good
tip. Even in bed.
If you utilize your mind to its
fullest extent, then you can do anything, live anywhere, and feel damned good
about all of it.
If you're very tall, get used to
people who wonder and ask about your endowment.
'Tis better to not have
experienced something than to be haunted by it.
A day spent watching television or
perusing the internet is a day spent weaning your mind of its abilities.
Practice random acts of wild and
sweaty floornication.
If ever you develop your own
cheerleading squad, take heed to not let it go to your head.
Play every day.
Demand the very best, but don't
expect it.
There are two things an
Intelliphone is incapable of handling: a fall to the ground and a phone
call.
There are three key times in life
when you should not tense up: in an accident, when taking an exam, and when
having your prostate checked.
Always count on the most beautiful
woman around to date the ugliest and most boring man around.
Sometimes you can choose your neighbors. Apparently this is a Life Lesson that hasn't yet been
learned by the middle school that just opened next to the strip club in West
L.A.
There are no ugly faces, only ugly
hearts.
If you are very tall, get used to
being hit on by gay men.
Don't expect to get any work done
in the presence of kittens.
If you are beautiful, use it to
your advantage. Don't let it make
you naïve. Always retain the
talent to read through people's beauty-obsessed bullshit.
Only let friends bake you a
birthday cake if they have baking skills, otherwise a perfectly good party
could get uncomfortable as guests try to eat cake that has the taste and
texture of a cinderblock.
Happiness is sitting on the toilet
with three kittens on your lap.
When relying on other people,
always have a backup plan.
Forget skydiving or armed robbery
or crossing the street against the light in L.A. The most dangerous thing you can do is to carelessly mess
with someone else's emotions.
When looking to assign blame for
your troubles, know that there is but one person responsible.
If everyone else is doing it, then
politely decline, especially if Kool-Aid is involved.
Be wary of people who don't like
peanut butter.
Suffer fools gladly. They're fun to mess around with and you
can easily train them to get you coffee.
When taking a steroid for a
pinched nerve, don't be surprised to find out that the rumors about steroids
are true. Of course, this applies
only to men. I doubt if steroids
cause vaginas to shrink.
Support marriage equality and
happiness for the masses by signing a petition to ban marriage.
In times of economic recession,
invest in alcohol and cigarettes.
In regard to love and sex, expect
unfiltered honesty only from homeless women.
On average, it takes two years to
recover from tragedy. Three if it
was caused by clowns or dwarves.
Choose passionate over aloof.
Fall in love with someone, but
don't fall in love with your own mind's notion of someone.
I have never heard a woman say,
"I lost everything in the divorce."
Love is fleeting. It usually only lasts about seven
minutes.
If the base of a tree is wet when
all around is dry, don't touch it.
Same goes for fire hydrants.
If you don't like someone, buy
their child a drum kit.
Life is about dealing with
personalities, so get used to it, 'cause most people have one.
Don't feel obligated to sit back,
relax, and enjoy something simply because some stranger tells you to.
Make an effort to get along with
your family. It really isn't that
difficult.
Don't take hard drugs, especially
ones that could influence you to eat another person's face off.
If you've recently ingested some
powerfully-strong pot brownies and your Mother calls, don't answer the
phone.
When your friends buy you a lap
dance at a strip club in Vegas, then ask you to get up out of your chair to
swap seats, don't stand up. You
might earn the nickname, "Lightswitch."
Never expect to laugh with a
German.
Bake cookies for your neighbors. Don't put drugs in them unless asked
for.
If you come across an item that you think someone you know might like, buy it. It'll save you a lot of grief during the holiday season.
Invest wisely. That applies to both your money and
your love.
If you own cats, own
bandages.
Say "hello" to people
you pass on the street, whether they want to hear it or not.
When you break up with someone,
cut off contact with them, at least for a while.
Read Steinbeck.
If you don't like somebody, give
them a 1,000-piece Jackson Pollack puzzle.
Go out of your way to be nice to
ugly people, 'cause they don't get that very often.
If people aren't nice to you very
often, chances are you're ugly.
Hang out with musicians, but don't
date them.
If you are a parent, buy a good
camera.
Evolution cannot be possible until
someone invents price tags that peel easily from any surface.
Evolution also cannot be possible
until manufacturers stop wrapping their product in giant squares of hard
plastic that becomes murderously sharp when a person tries to cut through it.
Send children things like letters
and flowers.
Don't kill homeless people.
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