Even More Life Lessons

In trying to make someone else's life better, make sure not to make your own life worse. 

Do good things for people, because you never know when there will be a cash reward offered. 

If you're single, it is acceptable to scratch, spit on, and gouge those who wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. 

Statistically speaking, if you live in the greater Los Angeles area, chances are you're a douchebag. 

Beware truly creative souls, for they are a tortured species.  Especially beware creative souls that are funny, for they are the darkest of the lot. 

Never marry for money.  Or just to have kids or because you feel your "clock" ticking.  Definitely never marry for sex.  Or lust.  Never marry for prestige or happiness or even for companionship.  Never marry for love.  Come to think of it, just never marry. 

Protect your children.  Don't allow them to pursue careers in coal mining or show business. 

If you do something bad several dozen times, you might develop a reputation for it. 

Those who are picky are frequently disappointed. 

If you aren't getting enough sex, try expanding your options.  Go bi. 

Don't live with regret.  If Bill O'Reilly visits the set of the Fox TV show you work on, thrust the end of your boom pole into his testicles with great force and passion. 

Don't associate with those who say, "just kidding." 

God doesn't exist.  If he did, however, I think I'd like him, 'cause he'd have to be one sick fuck. 

If you're running late for work and are almost out the door when the phone rings and the Caller ID tells you it's Nature, take that call. 

Never behave in a manner that will cause you to become a popular Halloween costume. 

There are two things in this world that cannot be stopped:  a terminating cyborg and a chirping smoke detector.

If you lose your shit and seek professional help in getting it back together and are then told by the professional that you already have your shit together, consider finding a different shit-cleaner. 

Be wary of accepting life lessons from someone who hasn't experienced life. 

If ever you find your soul mate, your one true love, your passion embodied, then do everything in your power to keep the cunt from breaking up with you. 

Consider replacing a therapist who can't remember your name. 

There are two things you should never become attached to: a restaurant and a woman.  Chances are that neither will be around for long. 

If they wanted it perfect, they would've hired someone else. 

Always be The One Who Got Away. 

If you lose both your legs, don't let it discourage you from driving.  Or walking, for that matter. 

When middle-aged, homeless women tell you with great enthusiasm that they'd like to have your babies, smile and say, "thank you."

The most difficult aspect of love is that it requires two people.  Sometimes three.  

When taking a step after standing at rest for a moment, check to make sure your shoes haven't been zip-tied together by a mischievous friend. 

No matter how tired you are or how much pressure you're under or how much nourishment you haven't had after being on your feet for fifteen hours at work, avoid telling the boss to go fuck himself. 

Forget booze or drugs.  Allow the gorgeous and heartwarming aspects of the world to get you high. 

As you age, get better looking.

  

Watch for villains out to corrupt you, for they will rarely appear with horns and pitchfork. 

If a woman rolls her eyes and says she's not susceptible to the influence of a man with a guitar, she's lying. 

The only truly happy man is he who can say, "I have what I want" and "I want what I have."

If you are the type of businessman who undercharges and overpays, then yours is a good and honest soul.  You are, however, a horrible businessman. 

Don't put too high a value on money.  At its best, cash can only buy you things you don't need and get you laid. 

War is inherited.  It is entirely human.  It is the eighth deadly sin.  We can only hope that one day wars will be fought in a manner where no life is lost, only egos bruised.  Then perhaps the warring factions can sit down together over a beer at the end of the day rather than the end of the decade. 

Always retain hope that peace shall become less a notion of our imagination and more a product of our creation. 

Reward good service in a restaurant by overtipping.  If you think the server is cute, sign your name to the bill along with your phone number. 

If ever you find you've become lost, know that you can always find your way back by being true to yourself. 

If you drink a lot, try not drinking a lot. 

Bear the knowledge that you have but one chance to do it right. 

Always stand by your friends, even if your friends are wrong.  Or drunk. 

For every act of violence, there must be an ever greater act of beauty. 

War is the last bastion of fear in scoundrels. 

A true friend will point out your greatest flaws and encourage you to conquer them. 

Follow trends only if you want to be like everyone else. 

Put great merit in hand-written words. 

The key to making a good fire is to use plenty of kindling.  That, plus make sure it's untraceable.