When you need to curse, shout out, "Aww, TITS!" It's fun to say and can help alleviate pressure.
If you play the drums or harmonica, then you should go away, unless you can play them well.
Very few people are able to play the drums or harmonica well.
Carry six-packs of bottled beer with your hand firmly holding the bottom; never use the handles. Unless, of course, you want your carpet to forever reek of spilled malt and barley.
When flying with an aggressive and angry cat, never put your hand by his carrier to reassure him that you're there and that he's safe. He might just take that as an invitation to bite through your thumb, the little bastard.
Keep the top of your refrigerator clean, for you never know when a very tall person will visit.
If you are a man, try having an allergic reaction to an antibiotic. The experience will let you know exactly what it's like to be a woman menstruating.
If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around, does it make a sound? Yes. I've been there when it's happened, it made a thundering crash, and no one was around.
When motioning to shoo a fly off the windshield, know that sometimes flies move slowly and you might end up with a deadly mess on that windshield.
Know that sometimes a dog will be so excited to see you that they'll lose control of their bladder. Same goes for small children and old people.
If you have an adolescent son, you should consider giving him a few pointers in the fine art of masturbation, otherwise he might apply too much friction on his first go-round, resulting in his penis swelling to twice it's normal size. This could, and this is pure speculation on my part, affect him adversely for the rest of his life.
If you see the picture, stop what you're doing and take the photo.
Learn how to drive a manual transmission, for you may be called upon by your residually-intoxicated sister to drive for two hours to your parents' house the morning after her college graduation party for an early afternoon celebratory luncheon. If you don't know how to drive a stick shift, your poor, drunk sister may have to get you both there holding a large blue bowl in her lap to catch the impending cascade of last night's tequila mixed with barbecued meatballs. This, of course, would not be fair to your sister.
Be visionary.
When driving on a road trip, if you've got the music cranked and the windows down and suddenly the music shakes your soul and you find the spirit is moving you to near euphoric levels, check to make sure the Highway Patrol isn't around, 'cause your spirit might be moving you to 110 miles an hour.
When you discover the meaning of life, prepare to be enlightened into an awed silence for at least a couple of minutes.
If you ever need a good lubricant, try scotch.
Never drive behind anyone with a blue tag hanging from their rear-view mirror. (It's like that lady I saw with no legs who got in a car and drove away. It's an amazing thing to witness, you just don't want to drive behind her).
If you need to make a point while communicating, try a hand-written letter. If you really need to drive that point home, write it in blood.
Be warned that your family may disown you if you decide to call your two kittens Cuntball and Assfister.
If you speak or write in English, keep in mind that many people – Americans included – don't understand English.
Something is not always better than nothing.
The trickiest part of life, by far, is remembering all the names.
There is no such thing as perfect, especially when it comes to people, but even more especially when it comes to relationships.
If you have to drive while drunk, just make sure to get home really fast.
It's best to get leather jackets out of your system early. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll realize they're made solely for motorcyclists and assholes.
If you are a thinker, inventor, or engineer and truly want to change the world by making it a better place, put aside your ideas for new sources of renewable energy or bombs that only do temporary damage. Instead, see if you can come up with a silencer for leaf blowers.
Gentlemen, please know that as soon as you marry her, she will proceed to pour heavy creams and sauces over your bank account and eat it. And it will go straight to her ass.
Never work a job where you have to address people as "sir" or "ma'am" because it's impossible to respect anyone who calls you "sir" or "ma'am."
If you are an actor, make sure to give your very best in every role you perform, no matter what the project. The greatest line reading ever delivered was spoken by Michael Caine. The line? "Oh, shit!" The movie? Jaws 4: The Revenge. BRILLIANT.
If you want to understand life better, listen to the words of two people: your Mother and Bob Dylan.
If you're in first grade and your best friend comes running down the aisle, don't do a dumb and unexplainable thing like stick your leg out, because he might trip over it and might even fall and bust his lip wide open. And that would prevent you from feeling good for the rest of your life.
If you find the bicycle tire you've just stepped over is actually a baby rattlesnake, do not go back to take its picture.
Weird people shouldn't have children.
If you're going to blow up a building for a TV show, make sure no one is working upstairs.
Don't be sexist; women can be pricks, too.
If you crap your pants, don't tell anybody until enough time has passed to make it funny.
Compromise your integrity only if it will produce a good laugh.
Matters that are important rarely work out as you'd like them to.
If you're filming a TV show in Tijuana and the scene calls for a vegetable truck to slam into an SUV, make sure to have a good lockup of the set after every take, because the locals might raid the set to scoop up the fallen vegetables to take home for dinner and, by take three, you might have a vegetable truck without any vegetables on it.
If you are a production assistant working on a TV show shooting in Tijuana and are relegated with the responsibility of locking up a set, make sure you know how to speak Spanish, because the locals may not know what "Get the hell outta there, ya nimrod!" means.
If you don't have a tissue or a handkerchief handy, don't blow your nose in the street. Please.
Only do business with family or friends if you're completely willing to eventually wish death on them.
If you are very tall, get used to concussions.
Toupees are to men as falsies are to women.
Beer is a magnificent means to help you sleep through three alarms.
When you hit the age to choose your life's career, choose rock star.
Play instruments.
Forget a salary. You'll always get paid more by the hour.
Don't interrupt or talk over another person speaking unless you're trying to hold your own in a live, televised, Presidential debate.
Looking for genuine in Los Angeles is like looking for courteous in France.
The most effective way to put a bullet into a wall is to try folding a fitted sheet while drunk.
Life lessons, worth pondering...one I would add, "wishing you could go
ReplyDeleteback and love and parent your children like you do your grandchildren,
will not happen, you did the best you could."