Don't expect a hot dog and Sprite to settle a nauseous tummy. You might end up seeing it twice.
If you see the most beautiful person you've ever seen, say "hello."
If you are headed out on a long trip and the weather calls for heavy rain, don't forget your raincoat.
When cannonballing into a swimming pool, protect your testicles.
If you witness people having sex in public, slow down to watch. That's why they're doing it.
When you discover that life makes a lick o' sense, embrace that moment. Then have a friend try to talk you down from the heavy drugs you've consumed.
When strife enters your life, expect large bills from the dentist.
No matter how long it's been since you've lived with them, it never gets any easier to say good-bye to your parents.
Make sure all your friends are ugly. Then you'll always be the best looking one in the room.
A master craftsman never blames his toolssssssss. Goddam computer! Keys keep sticking!
Do your best to not know what's going on. Then you can't get blamed for anything.
If asked to act in a self-mutilation training video, don't say yes.
The only way to maintain your sanity is to go completely out of your mind.
In textbooks, men are strong, yet nothing is more weak, vulnerable, or pathetic than a man in love.
There are two gifts you can give that the recipient will forever remember: something you created just for them or a rod of plutonium.
Unless you have a sandpaper fetish, avoid sex on the beach.
If something seems obvious, chances are it won't be to those who matter.
While riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave, breathe, look, and remember.
The only time we're not alone is when we're surrounded by live, nude girls.
Always pause and consider the outcome before embedding your foot on a two-inch splinter.
Money will only buy the things you want, not the things you need. Except, of course, for sex.
What is now a burden of responsibility will usually turn out to be one of the finest things you've ever done.
Always take advantage of a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Recognize the obvious conclusion before drinking heavily on an ocean-going vessel during a hurricane.
If you are a selfless giver, avoid the selfish takers.
If you are a selfish taker, take full advantage of the selfless givers.
Power is easy. Just saddle people's fear and ride it to the bank.
When on a family road trip your son tells you he has to go to the bathroom, think twice before telling him to "just use the cat's litter box there on the back seat."
If your kids are bored by church services, offer them a penny for every time the names "God," "Lord," "Christ," "Jesus," or "Mary" are mentioned. It will keep them enthralled, and the scandal of bribery will stir the congregation out of its boredom, too.
If your stomach is growling while waiting for your friend at the dentist and his Italian grandmother keeps insisting that you "have a piece of fruit...won't you have a piece of fruit?," be wary if you have a piece of that fruit. It could be made out of wax, and the grandmother might be insane.
If your friend's girlfriend starts putting the moves on after her boyfriend has passed out on his birthday, consider yourself flattered and LOOK THE OTHER WAY.
Love is a shroud over the thinking mind.
Never use a men's restroom next to a construction site between 8 and 10 A.M. Just don't.
Be aggressive about getting the young 'n stupid out of your system, because the sooner it's out, the sooner you can get your shit together and be all growed up.
Never turn down an opportunity to smoke with Willie.
Beware cigarettes handed to you by Willie.
Jump out of a plane at 13,000 feet with some guy strapped to your back. Make sure he knows how to land properly. Also make sure he's wearing a parachute.
The trickiest part of playing the stock market is the buy low, sell high element.
Attempt to understand the opposite sex only when you are fully prepared to have your brain melt.
Never let something as silly as a speed bump slow you down.
Don't brake for children.
If you don't like crowds, avoid two places: Costco on a weekend and my bedroom.
When making a left, beware speeding objects hidden behind large obstructions.
If you're going to rear-end a car, make sure it's a taxi. The driver won't care as much.
Before eating cabbage, check it for packing staples.
Write books for children. Children dig it when you write books for them.
Write poetry for chicks. Chicks dig it when you write poetry for them.
Outdo yourself.
Never take money from Mommy and Daddy.
When number two-ing in a public restroom, lock the door, because the person who walks in on you will never rid their memory of that image.
When practicing carpentry, remember that your most useful tool is a measuring tape. Your second-most useful tool is an ambulance.
No comments:
Post a Comment