Never ski for the first time in the presence of someone you're trying to impress.
If nature calls violently while driving in the middle of nowhere, with no public facilities to be found, don't keep driving. Pull over.
If you have to sneeze while suffering a nose bleed, have plastic sheeting at the ready.
Always make an effort in regard to things that are important to you, like love or photography, but don't bother much with things that aren't important, like drapes or hygiene.
If you're a very young child and are thrust before a camera onto the lap of a stranger who wears a bright red velvet suit complete with furry cuffs and nightcap and neck-crushing black boots and a horrifyingly immense white beard to hide his features, don't bother utilizing the muscle you've been learning to use that maintains bladder control. It will make for a better photo.
If the family dogs are fighting in a flurry of teeth and fur and saliva and blood, don't try to break them apart. You could get your hand bitten through. Instead, call your friends over and bet on who will win.
Never commit a favor to a friend by saying you'll act in their thesis video project, then show up to the taping still smashed from the bottle of Jaegermeister you drank just a few hours earlier, your hair irrevocably mussed and your face still bearing the cross marks from the tile of the bathroom floor in the dorm where you passed out in a pool of your own vomit. It will make you look bad, and your friend won't appreciate it much, either.
Speak at your sister's wedding, but not at her funeral.
If you ride Splash Mountain with a friend or a group of friends, take a towel. If you ride it with a beautiful woman, take nothing.
Never skinny dip in cold water in the presence of someone you're trying to impress.
If your Mother points at a burner on the stove and says, "don't touch that," then don't touch it.
Never poop in a public toilet. Just don't.
If you're very tall, avoid walking under low ceiling fans running on "high."
If you are a child and decide to decorate the new bathroom wallpaper with a red ink pen, make sure that you can run faster than your father.
If you are a confident heterosexual, try to avoid falling in love with a confident homosexual.
If you're working in Minnesota with your best friend and you find yourselves bored in the hotel one evening, don't order Debbie Does Dallas on Pay-Per-View. It could get uncomfortable. Besides, it might have all the good parts edited out anyway.
If you're with a group of friends on a job in Berlin and the hotel TV allows you to preview the porn channel for two minutes before it automatically bills you for the full movie, make sure either you or your friends turn it off within those two minutes every time you preview it, because you could be charged for fifty-six adult movies at the end of a three-day stay.
If you're a child and have a phobia of your pants falling down in public, don't wear three belts every day. You'll never live it down.
Always rely on the kindness of strangers and the indifference of loved ones.
Only two things in life speak complete truth: children and alcohol.
When someone tells you they love you, respond by saying, "Thanks, but I'd rather be feared."
If you're going to do it, do it right.
When traveling to San Francisco for an all-day, outdoor music festival, don't let the overcast sky fool you. Apply sunblock, because, without it, you could end up looking like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.
If you break up with someone after casually dating for a few months and they move into an apartment building directly across the street a week later, avoid them. And buy a gun.
Timing is everything. Skill is nothing.
Try not to fall in love with someone who just doesn't give a shit.
If you don't suffer fools gladly, avoid working in the entertainment business.
If given the choice of working behind-the-scenes in either reality TV or porn, choose porn.
If you lose your sense of humor, don't get upset. Just try to laugh it off.
Don't assume that the employee working the fast food drive-through is a woman just because of a high, feminine voice. And definitely don't call him "ma'am."
You don't choose love, love chooses you. Then it chooses to shit on you.
Whenever possible, live vicariously through someone else.
If you throw a boxer shorts party, make sure to wear something under the boxers to prevent your tackle from falling out.
If you are traveling a great distance to one particular spot, make sure that spot will be open when you get there.
If you are living on the crumbs of hope and are starving, consider abandoning hope.
Don't expect words to stop a child running.
Don't expect words to stop a child screaming.
Don’t expect words to stop a child crying.
Never lose your cool and scream obscenities in the presence of someone you're trying to impress.
Never walk out on a steep rooftop with someone you don't know. It might upset your Mother.
Try not to date people who are already in serious relationships, but if you do, expect a gunfight.
Never break an object holding sentimental value to your date, especially on the first date.
Never give advice if it isn't wanted.
Never coax a cat with sharp claws to climb up you.
If you hear coyotes singing, join the chorus.
If you come across a skunk blocking your path, don't be in such a hurry to get by.
Don't get emotionally involved if, just before a first kiss, your date says, "I'm just going to end up hurting you."
If you've been drinking scotch with friends and find yourself standing in the bathroom over a toilet, make sure your penis has been freed completely from the confines of your trousers before releasing your bladder, otherwise you might have to pass your friends with wet pants as you make your way to the parking lot, and that would be embarrassing. Even more embarrassing would be when you have to go back to the bar for your forgotten credit card and your friends ask where the hell you've been and what the hell happened to your trousers.
If you are a child wanting toys for your birthday and have just been given a large winter coat instead, avoid saying, "clothes? I hate clothes!" You might find yourself pinned to the floor by a very irate Mother who suddenly wants to test the limits of her vocal chords.
If you feel the urge to vomit and half your body is inside a car and half is in a parking lot, lean your head to the parking lot.
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